Across the Atlantic

Posted on January 29, 2009 with 8 Comments

My mum left on a flight to England today.

She’s British by birth and most of her family is over there still. The primary reason for her trip is to see her 97-year old mother, who is doing poorly. Well, actually I should qualify that statement. For 97, I think my grandmother is fucking amazing. She is still pretty sharp mentally, lives on her own, and has no help around the house except for a gardener. She has a friend who visits her several times a week to take her grocery shopping and run errands, but other than that help, she does everything on her own. I hope to be doing as well as her at 97. Either that or go out with a bang at a much younger age!

However.

My gran’s starting to get confused by simple things… she can’t keep track of the order in which events unfold anymore. She knows what year it is but often slips and thinks we’re back in 1990. She is going deaf so we have to yell at her over the phone, and she doesn’t see well enough to know that her place is getting very dirty. The slightest deviation from her routine completely ruins her day. She doesn’t really cook anymore but won’t accept Meals On Wheels, so it’s not uncommon to hear she ate a slice of cake or a packet of chips for dinner. And this fiercely independent, stubborn woman has recently begun saying that she doesn’t think she can cope on her own much longer. We basically think that’s the beginning of the end for someone like her.

So my mum is doing the only thing she can at this time. She booked a ticket to go and take care of her mum. We don’t know how long she’ll be gone, but it will be at least a couple of months, maybe several.

It’s no secret that I’ve had a bit of a tough time living with my parents over the last year. I am endlessly grateful to them for taking me in when I fell on hard times, but it hasn’t been easy. We clash often, and my relationship with my mother is the one that has been particularly difficult. I’m close with her, but we fight a lot, and lately it has seemed like there is nothing we can discuss without arguing unless we’re talking about celebrity gossip or the weather. I just don’t know how to make her happy but also keep myself happy; how to maintain some sense of independence without pushing her away. I haven’t found the balance yet. I don’t know if it’s even possible to achieve.

Truth be told, in some ways I was looking forward to my mum going away because the arguing and her constant inquiring into my job search is exhausting. So it is with some surprise that I found myself overcome by emotion today when I said goodbye to her. I sat in the car with tears rolling down my cheeks, and realized that even at the age of 28 I still need my mum sometimes. I will really miss her, and I know she is not looking forward to this trip because she knows it will be stressful and sad. It may even involve planning and attending her mother’s funeral, and I know she is overwhelmed at the idea of this task. I feel so much compassion for her, and I wish I could ease the burden.

All I can do to help is pick up the slack at home by cooking for my family and taking care of as many tasks as I can that my mum usually did. That doesn’t seem enough when what she really needs is a break, and a hug.

She went off in her characteristic style. At the airport, she casually asked if they had any seats left in first class, and promptly got a free upgrade for her 10-hour flight. Typical of my mum! I hope she’s sleeping in a fully reclined business class seat, somewhere over Eastern Canada right now.

Safe flight Mum, and have a good trip. Don’t stay away too long.